Uncategorized Should Commitment Be Unbreakable?

March 28, 2020by Bose Fawehinmi0

When entering a committed relationship, the great majority of us do so with the full intention of being together for life. Ideally, breaking that commitment shouldn’t be easy or quick. In my opinion, unhappiness is not a valid reason to break a commitment; it is simply an indication that there is work to be done.

If, most of the time but not all the time, commitment is the path to relationship happiness, how do we decide whether to stick it out or not? How do we know that our misery will eventually lead to happiness or not? We can’t really know.

Since we can’t really know the prognosis of an unhappy relationship, perhaps the following questions might help:

  1. Since unhappiness is usually related to unmet requirements and needs, can you find ways to get them met outside of the relationship while honoring your commitment? Sometimes we unrealistically expect our relationship to be everything we need, when happiness is really an “inside job.”
  2. Are the children better off in or out of the situation? Often, while you might be unhappy, your children are better off with you together.
  3. What is the position of your family and friends? It is uncanny how they knew all along what we discover much later.
  4. Are you REALLY taking full responsibility? You are not if you are resentful or blaming your partner in any way. Are you giving your power away by being reactive to what your partner says and does? What about YOUR commitment? If you know that the odds are that it will work out if you stick it out long enough, can you hang in there and take personal responsibility for your outcomes? Can you focus on YOUR attitude and what YOU can and are doing? Life is not what happens to us. Life is what we DO with what happens to us.”
  5. Are you getting the support you need? Are you really using that support? Find a therapist, counselor, relationship coach, minister, etc., that you both trust and put yourself in their hands. Find wise and understanding friends and mentor couples that you both can relate to.
  6. Are you and the children physically and emotionally safe? Commitment is not a reason to stay in an abusive and/or unsafe situation.
  7. What is your true, underlying commitment? If you would leave because you’re unhappy, your commitment is to your own happiness, not the relationship. Be honest with yourself about any differences between your commitment and your attitude, what you are saying and what you are doing.

Bose Fawehinmi

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